Tag Archives: travel

Travel, I’m over you.

8 Aug

The novelty has officially worn off.  Driving, flying?  So over it.  The bus, you know how I feel about you.  Hell, I don’t even look at my bike the same way!  In the last few years, I’ve done more traveling than I care to remember.  I know that sounds pretentious, but allow me to clarify; I am in no way referring to romantic European adventures, or intoxicating tropical cruises.  I’m referring to traveling in a car packed to the roof, through deadly weather conditions, being nourished by only fast food and stale coffee for days.  Or flying east to west-coast and back, crossing time zones, and showing up to work the next morning feeling like you traveled underneath with the baggage. That kind of travel.

Over it.

Two weeks ago, my bags were packed and I was headed to Vegas for ten days.  When offered the choice between the four hour drive, and the forty-five minute flight with free peanuts, I obviously chose the flight. So relaxing.  So quick.  SO WRONG!

Things started going down hill once I opted out of the x-ray scan at security (save the ovaries!).   After receiving a rather ‘intimate’ pat-down from a cranky old broad, who I personally felt should have at least bought me dinner before fondling my lady lumps,  I was robbed at fork point by the LAX food court while purchasing a wilted twenty dollar salad. You want to know what that salad tasted like? Disappointment….in a light vinaigrette.  I arrived at my gate just in time to learn that my flight had been delayed by an hour.  First thought: I could have saved twenty bucks by taking the time to eat at home.  Second thought:  At least I can eat this shitty salad in peace.  Third thought:  Is 10:50am too early for a cocktail?

That sweet little flight would be delayed not one, not two, but three more times there after.  By the time I was in line to board the plane, I could have not only driven to Vegas, but been fully unpacked, lounging by the pool enjoying the sub-par early dinner buffet!  With a free drink coupon clutched in my hand, I found my seat and ordered myself a vodka soda. Not a moment after that life-giving nectar touched my lips, I was informed that a flight attendant would be coming though the cabin to collect all glasses because we were about to hit a patch of turbulence.  I looked at my drink and thought, ‘If they want this from me before I’m finished, they’re going to have to fight me for it, and I’m not afraid to pull out some mad ninja skills!’  Could I not just have this one thing!  I threw that vodka soda down my throat, like a soap star who just learned that her lover is actually her brother!  Nothing would go to waste on my watch!


Exhausted and head aching, I spent the next thirty minutes in full turbulence, staring at a Vegas-bound bachelorette party in slutty club gear, trying not to vomit.
Travel, you owe me one. Big time. I expect an upgrade sometime in my very near future.
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The Week of Feeling Delicate

9 May

In show business, there’s an age-old saying that you should never work with children or animals. Well I’m here to tell you that if you can avoid traveling with children and animals, I suggest you do so. Unfortunately, my husband and I didn’t feel the baby and the dog could handle themselves appropriately alone for 3 months at the LA apartment, so we decided to take them with us to Toronto. I feel the journey back to our homeland with baby and dog has aged me prematurely – approximately 6.85 years, to be precise. I’m heavily moisturizing and considering Botox.  Our camera also broke this week so let’s say hubby, Lola and I looked a little like this…..and Norman looked a little like that…..

 

From the red eye flight from LA to TO, our corporate condo/baby deathtrap accommodations, to my daughter’s public temper tantrum at the airport where she screamed and hit me repeatedly in the face, I wondered if I would ever recover.

As Mother’s Day approached, I kept thinking, “what do I want to do for my big M Day?”  I deserve so much, and 24 hours is such a small amount of time for my husband to express his undying love, devotion and appreciation of me! Ha ha! Moms have to think about this day very carefully.  You only get one chance every 365 days to be publicly and privately thanked for all the diapers and sleepless nights.

It occurred to me as the big day approached that with a one-year-old I needed to keep it simple. Also, champagne brunch is not such a great idea when you are responsible for keeping a toddler from falling over for the rest of the day.

So I decided I wanted sunshine, baked goods and good coffee!

The sunshine was out of my power, but it did happen today, so off I went with my two loved ones to Clafouti bakery.  Every Sunday morning, Clafouti on Queen St. West makes fresh croissants. But to say that Clafouti simply makes croissants, is to say that Lance Armstrong rides a bike.  Or Jimmy Choo makes footwear.  Or that Ron Jeremy has had a few on-camera “relationships.” Calfouti transcends the artform. On the sweet side, there’s fig, pain au chocolate, and cinnamon and brown sugar. For the savory folks, spinach and feta or ham and cheese. The catch with these delightful morsels is they only make a certain amount.  So basically, if you snooze you loose. Perhaps you are thinner for not having made it in time to enjoy these li’l buttery bastards, but you are not happier! I can guarantee that! And despite popular demand, they won’t make extra! Even on Mother’s Day! I love it! So French!

Thankfully, on this sunny Mother’s Day morning, we made it in time…. barely! No more pain au chocolate, but a sweet fig, spinach and feta, and a plain croissant were consumed in a park, with coffee (from Dark Horse Espresso Bar), as I watched my daughter giggle while being pushed on the swing by my handsome husband.  In that perfect moment I thought,  “I may be starting to recover from that red eye.”

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