Especially now that I have a child living in my house. Late one night when Lola was a baby, my husband was out-of-town and I was downstairs, alone, watching Pet Cemetery. As I realized the small child in the movie was possessed, I heard a noise upstairs – I looked at my baby’s video monitor, and at that moment, Lola opened her eyes, sat up, and stared right at the camera! Even creepier, the camera has night vision so she was green and her eyes were black and glowing!!! AHHHHHHHH!
2. Cat Hair (Nic)
To me, cat hair is kinda like a bad rash. It’s itchy, it migrates, and it always ends up getting in to places it shouldn’t. I’m getting hives just thinking about it! And no matter how fierce the outfit, sprinkle a little cat hair on it, and you may as well be wearing a Snuggie to a cocktail party. Cats don’t scare me, it’s just what they leave behind that gives me the chills.
3. Undercooked Chicken (Jenn)
I am always examining chicken, asking people, “Does that look a bit pink to you?” I‘ve never had food poisoning from chicken, so I’m not sure why I am so weird about it. I just am. Let’s move on to number four, shall we?
4. Vibram Five Finger Running Sock (Nic)
I’m all for working with your body’s natural mechanics, but the Five Finger Running Socks, scare the shit outta me! First of all, they’re toes, not fingers. The fact that we can’t keep that straight, is scary enough. Secondly, when wearing them, you look like some kind of human-sloth inbred. Makes me think you can do things with your toes, that you shouldn’t be able to do.
5. Fat free, dairy free coffee creamer. (Jenn)
Coffee cream consists of two elements: dairy and fat. So if you aren’t either of those….what ARE you? The answer is: mostly vegetable oil and corn syrup. Powdered coffee creamer has also been used to whiten clothes, clean dry erase boards and when you ignite it, it makes beautiful, pleasant smelling, fireballs.
6. Food past it’s expiry. (Nic)
Even if it’s only an hour passed the recommended expiry date, I can’t eat it. No matter what. The expired food immediately tastes sour, forms a pungent odor, and an offensive texture. I simultaneously develop a serious gag reflex, and consume nothing but rice cakes for the rest of the day.
7. Parents who say “Good job!” to their children every five seconds. (Jenn)
I seriously want to tell them to shut it. And I AM a parent! Don’t say “Good job” when your child goes down the slide. That’s not a JOB! It’s recreational fun! Over-praising your children for activities that take minimal effort may result in your child growing up to be a huge douche-bag.
8. Bees (Nic)
Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of bees, and know the world wouln’t continue to exist, blah, blah, blah… However, I have yet to be stung by a bee, so it is not uncommon to hear me yell such phrases as, “Watch your skin!” or “Is it in my hair,” at random passer-byers. Or to see me jump out of my car, at the intersection of Hollywood Bld. and Highland, spastically remove my shirt and then beating it against the pavement, screaming “Die bee, Die!” Thankfully it was a red light. And the tourists loved it. PS. Jenn does not respect this fear. She says “bees are very smart and good, wasps are A-holes.”
9. How much I love Neil Diamond. (Jenn)
When I was a young kid and didn’t know any “official dance moves”, my brother and I used to run in circles around the living room when my mom put “ Sweet Caroline” on the turntable. To this day, hearing a Neil Diamond song puts a smile on my face, and song in my heart.
10. How much I love Phil Collins (Nic)
As an adult, I do know some official dance moves, yet I still prefer to run in circles around my living room, while listening to Phil Collins or Genesis on my itunes – always making sure to include a wildly impressive air drum solo to ‘In The Air Tonight.’