Stupid questions. Smart mouths.

5 Sep


A dangerous yet highly effective tool.  Paired with a delicious sense of humor, sarcasm can be the perfect end to a robust question that’s been stuffed with stupidity.  Don’t let your feathers be ruffled by uncouth company, my friend, dish it right back!  At least that’s been our mantra as of late. Sometimes stupid questions just deserve stupid answers.

Scene One

It’s early morning and I’m in the kitchen, pouring myself a fresh cup of coffee.

Anonymous: (enters kitchen) “Hey, is there any coffee?”

Me: “Nope.  This steaming brown liquid which smells remarkably identical to coffee, is actually last night’s meatloaf.  I’ve puréed it, and created a hot breakfast smoothie.  Want some?”

Though this may seem a little harsh to some, please consider the options.  Either I use our witty friend ‘sarcasm’ to assist me in diffusing the situation, or I revert to basic instinct.  Since I’m completely uncivilized first thing in the morning, especially before I’ve had my coffee, my instincts lean towards hurling the cup of coffee directly at Anonymous’ groin, ideally scalding him with the steaming beverage.  Next, I’d most likely begin openly weeping with the eventual goal of drowning myself in my own tears, thus becoming a casualty of the war against foolish questions.  Not so harsh anymore, huh?

Scene Two

Early morning…again. I’m in the kitchen (most likely enjoying a hot breakfast smoothie) as Anonymous stands in the living room.  Curtains are drawn.

Anonymous: “What’s it like outside?  Is it sunny?”

(At this point I’ve only one eye open, and a mere one fifth of my brain actually functioning.  Basically I’m still asleep.  Or mostly dead.  Hard to say.)


Me:  “Nope. Raining.”

Anonymous: “I don’t think so… (pulls curtains aside), looks sunny!”

Me:  “Only looks that way. Monsoon season.”

Anonymous:  “Really Nic?”

Me: “I know.  I was shocked too when I heard the news, especially since Southern California’s weather has been the exact same, every day for the last gazillion years.”

Now, I understand that this approach may not be the most mature or even appropriate for that matter, but COME ON!  The weather has been the same.




Just open the damn curtains.  Or are you experiencing a rapid onset of upper paraplegia, thus being the reason you can’t seem to look for yourself?

I’m not sure of the lesson that is to be learned here.  Maybe it’s that I’m a bad person, or that I really shouldn’t interact with other humans before I’ve had at least two cups of coffee, but sometimes you’ve just gotta be a smart-ass.

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