In a perfect world, weddings are sophisticated, romantic events that re-instill our belief in true love and the sanctity of marriage.
However, there’s something about an open bar and a gathering of family that can turn a wedding from classy to trashy faster than you can say “I do.”
Weddings should (in theory) bring out the best in everyone. But sometimes, a little gin and a long personal history can turn a simple toast into, “Let me tell you about the time ‘Bride’ pretended to be a record producer and banged 3 of the guys from 98 Degrees.”
I find that the tone of a wedding begins with the Stag and the Stagette. My sister Tiffany is getting married this coming weekend in a picturesque setting (wine country), with only immediate family in attendance. In honor of my beautiful sister, I’m throwing her a simple, tasteful shower.
Here’s something I won’t be doing for this event. I will NOT be serving any penis-shaped food items, making her wear a penis hat, or tying a penis balloon to her wrist lest I lose her in a crowd. When I see some of the extraordinarily phallic items intended for showers these days, all I can think is, “What are we, 12?” And did your betrothed friend really miss that many PE classes in grade school, that she has no concept of the male genitalia?
I suppose hundreds of years ago women did marry when they were 12. Back in the 1600’s with things like The Black Plague the phrase “Live like you are dying” applied in a very literal way. But today’s brides are older, wiser, and well aware of “the monster in his pants” that waits for her on her wedding night. Who are we kidding? Most brides have seen their husband’s penis so many times before they’re married their attitude is more, “Oh, that old thing!” than, “Oh my! What is this?!”
At my shower there will be no “sexy arrests’’ made by scantily clad officers, no party-bus pub crawls, and no riding of mechanical bulls while wearing a shitty veil someone stole from the dollar store. Fear not, my dear sister! This shower will be a celebration of you becoming a married woman, not you becoming a woman. Because Tiffany is a wonderful, witty, intelligent woman who is entering into her marriage already grown up.
At the shower there will be bottles of bubbly, tasteful lingerie…….and temporary Justin Bieber tattoos. What are we, 12?