I was getting ready to head to an event this past week, when I found myself in a bit of… snag. A wardrobe crisis I hadn’t quite anticipated. I was going to be meeting a lot of new people, and LA can be a really superficial city, so I needed to be sure I was putting my best superficial foot forward. I needed my arrival to scream ‘Classic! Bold! Someone get this woman a martini and a canape stat!’ I contemplated a Gaga-esque latex womb but realized it was currently at the dry cleaners. So there I was, I had the dress, the shoes, the clutch and a little extra swagger in my back pocket. Hair done, nails fresh, and I had managed to successfully apply false lashes without gluing my eyes shut! You have no idea how awful it is to spend the entire evening “winking!” So I was right on schedule! Then I went to grab my sunglasses…
I used to think that wearing sunglasses said to the world, “It’s bright outside!,” or “My eyes are sensitive.” Wrong! I’ve been schooled people! In actuality, sunglasses are visual code to be used by other humans to inform each other on things like hip factor, financial status, political standing, and lifestyle choices. They’re the logo t-shirts of the 90’s. I stood over my collection of eye wear, here are some of my different persona’s.
The Wayfarer (origin unknown, probably $5)
The everyday hipster go to. The wayfarer says you ride a fixie, bring your own bags to the grocery store, got most of your clothing second-hand, and were obsessed with the album ‘Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix’ in 2009. Your life is generally ironic and if you’re a female you’ve either had, or seriously considered an undercut, and as a man, you’ve definitely used ‘Movember’ as an excuse to live out your dreams of being the proud owner of a filthy mustache. World Peace!
The ‘I Wear My Sunglasses at Night’ (Dior, $you don’t wanna know)
The Round Done Right (TOMS, $135)
These shades say you’re fun, chic, and full of whimsy! However under no circumstances should you wear these with a burgundy velour track suit… then you’re just sad, trashy, and full of shit. True story. Colored shades with large lenses make you more ‘available’ and less… ‘recluse.’ They say you love florals, bike rides, and drinking expensive champagne… even if it’s out of a red plastic cup!
The Bug Eye (found them in my car, $I hope they weren’t over 5 bucks)
Honey, you’re not hiding from anyone. We all know your secret. These shades are code for, ‘I’m not a big fan of….my own face. If you’ll notice, these opaque monsters cover up half the face, leaving the general appearance of one’s visage, to the imagination. Do you have pink eye? Have you recently had a bad brow lift? Or the worst…are you one of the Olsen twins? May I suggest a Zoro mask, or outrageously long fringe if face hiding is your goal.
Classic Cat-Eye (Anthropologie, $25)
They say Audrey. They say Grace. They say you’re delicate and balletic, but you’re probably wearing black lace panties under those perfectly pressed, skinnies. On your coffee table you have a copy of V Magazine for the cover photo, and Vanity Fair for the articles in the back. You’ll drink red wine before noon, and most likely own a piece of vintage fur.
Phew… just what I needed, red wine before noon! Oh, and some killer shades for the ‘ol lookers.