It started as most things do.
An idea, a yearning.
An itch that needed to be scratched.
Soon enough the metamorphosis of this yearning took place. It evolved to the point of no return, consuming my every thought. I wanted… no, I NEEDED…
I can already hear the multitude of mothers out there screaming, ‘Stop!,’ ‘Please, take mine instead!’ But we all know it’s not that simple. The scariest part about all this, is that I’m not even entirely naive to the consequences of motherhood. I know about the loss of the three ‘S’s‘ (sleep, sanity, sex), the southern migration and flattening of one’s ass, the general loss of one’s identity, and the guarantee that one day I’ll leave the house with shit on my forehead and my t-shirt inside out.
Even so, the last nine months have been filled with regular installments of ‘sexy time,’ all concluding with either a Big Lebowski moment or full-out nude handstand. (Which I wasn’t doing for my love of the sirsha-asana yoga pose and the healing it brings to a taut groin; Gravity my friends, gravity!)
For all of you that think this increase in ‘activity’ has been a dream come true, let me tell you… it’s anything but!
‘Hey baby, my temperature rose point four degrees over night. Let’s get in a quickie before I take my morning pee.’
‘I understand you’re really in ‘the mood,’ but if we get busy tonight, it’ll lower your sperm count. I’m not ovulating for another 3 days, so we really can’t afford the waste.’
So with all these initiatives, why am I not pregnant yet? Is it because I am the proud owner of what Jenn refers to as the ‘Courtney Love of reproductive systems?’ Or because it’s a known fact that I’d be slightly devastated if I had to show up to my sister’s wedding this summer, (taking place at one of my favorite wineries) and cheers to her nuptials with sparkling cider?
Beats me. Thankfully I have some time before my uterus withers and dies. Unfortunately that doesn’t make it any less stressful as I no longer dream of rainbows and butterflies, but dancing sperm and turkey basters.
My husband and I have decided to relax and take it easy for the next few months. We’re trying to remove the stress and ritual, hopefully allowing things to happen a little more naturally. (Yah, we’ll see how long that lasts!)