16 May
(t-shirt courtesy of Polygon)
Once a month I am not myself.  Like a werewolf under the power of the full moon, I become a monster.  An angry, hormonal monster who thinks it’s appropriate to wear men’s XL sweatpants to the grocery store. To this day, men gather around campfires and tell the terrible tales of their women turning into THE MONSTER.

“She threw a yogurt container at my head” one will say.
“She ate a whole bag of marshmallows and wouldn’t stop watching Real Housewives of Atlanta” another will say.
“She said I didn’t love her, and made me talk about my feelings for 45 minutes!”

Oh the HORROR!!!!

They don’t get it. I sometimes wish men had an equivalent to a period. Let’s it call it the “semi colon.” They’d call their buddies saying things like “I can’t play street hockey today Greg. I’m on my semi-colon. I have major cramps, and my tits are killing me.”

This menstruating monster has so many needs. Yes, the monster will stand in front of the refrigerator for 15 minutes at a time, taking one bite out of every container. Yes, the monster will cry while watching “Barefoot Contessa” and “Cake Boss.”  Making the monster even more irritable is the sudden 5 to 7 pound weight gain that occurs. It is of the utmost importance to tell her during this time, that she is the most beautiful monster you’ve ever seen. And for goodness sake, do not mention, or even look at the giant zit in the middle of her forehead.  The monster will not respond kindly.

These monsters have cravings. Severe longings. They love milkshakes, would kill you for a pastry, and demand greasy fast food.  Now since I can’t even digest most of these foods, the cravings are clearly not of me, but of the monster.  And the monster cannot be controlled…

This month it’s cravings were for coconut ice cream bars and In N Out Burger.  After devouring a box of 4 bars, I tricked it by making a delicious gluten-free dish that even the fiercest of menstrual monsters couldn’t deny.  Creamy Baked Mac and Cheese!

Time to take a shot of Motrin, and head to the kitchen…

Creamy Baked Mac and Cheese

1 large sweet onion, diced
1 1/2c. dried elbow rice pasta (or preferred gluten-free pasta)
3c shredded goat cheddar
1c coconut cream or unsweetened coconut milk
salt and pepper to taste

In a large pan, saute your diced onion over medium heat for 8-10 minutes or until onion is tender and golden.  While your onion is sauteing, cook the rice pasta in a large saucepan, according to package directions.  Drain and  return to saucepan.  Stir in the sautéed onions along with 2 cups goat cheddar, and salt and pepper.  Toss gently to combine, then spoon into 1 large casserole dish, or 6 individual ramekins. (Frankly I need help controlling portion size, so this option works best for me!)

Bake, uncovered at 350 degrees F, for 20 minutes.  Stir gently and top with the remaining cup of goat cheddar.  Bake another 15 minutes or until the edges are golden brown.  Let stand for 10 minutes.  Enjoy!

5 Responses to “Feeding THE MONSTER.”

  1. Karen Wiens May 16, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

    I like the semi colon, that’s a good idea. My other idea is to use the stork instead of real birth.

    • society finch May 16, 2011 at 11:51 pm #

      One of the best ideas yet!
      All in favor of a stork instead or real birth say ‘I’!
      (….and the crowd goes wild!!!!)

  2. Jennifer Avventura May 16, 2011 at 10:14 pm #

    Cute post. THe monster always wins the food battle in my house, jar of nutella gone!

  3. Deb McGrath May 19, 2011 at 6:08 am #

    have you ever seen the stork’s beak? Yowza!

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