The novelty has officially worn off. Driving, flying? So over it. The bus, you know how I feel about you. Hell, I don’t even look at my bike the same way! In the last few years, I’ve done more traveling than I care to remember. I know that sounds pretentious, but allow me to clarify; I am in no way referring to romantic European adventures, or intoxicating tropical cruises. I’m referring to traveling in a car packed to the roof, through deadly weather conditions, being nourished by only fast food and stale coffee for days. Or flying east to west-coast and back, crossing time zones, and showing up to work the next morning feeling like you traveled underneath with the baggage. That kind of travel.
Two weeks ago, my bags were packed and I was headed to Vegas for ten days. When offered the choice between the four hour drive, and the forty-five minute flight with free peanuts, I obviously chose the flight. So relaxing. So quick. SO WRONG!
Things started going down hill once I opted out of the x-ray scan at security (save the ovaries!). After receiving a rather ‘intimate’ pat-down from a cranky old broad, who I personally felt should have at least bought me dinner before fondling my lady lumps, I was robbed at fork point by the LAX food court while purchasing a wilted twenty dollar salad. You want to know what that salad tasted like? Disappointment….in a light vinaigrette. I arrived at my gate just in time to learn that my flight had been delayed by an hour. First thought: I could have saved twenty bucks by taking the time to eat at home. Second thought: At least I can eat this shitty salad in peace. Third thought: Is 10:50am too early for a cocktail?
That sweet little flight would be delayed not one, not two, but three more times there after. By the time I was in line to board the plane, I could have not only driven to Vegas, but been fully unpacked, lounging by the pool enjoying the sub-par early dinner buffet! With a free drink coupon clutched in my hand, I found my seat and ordered myself a vodka soda. Not a moment after that life-giving nectar touched my lips, I was informed that a flight attendant would be coming though the cabin to collect all glasses because we were about to hit a patch of turbulence. I looked at my drink and thought, ‘If they want this from me before I’m finished, they’re going to have to fight me for it, and I’m not afraid to pull out some mad ninja skills!’ Could I not just have this one thing! I threw that vodka soda down my throat, like a soap star who just learned that her lover is actually her brother! Nothing would go to waste on my watch!
Exhausted and head aching, I spent the next thirty minutes in full turbulence, staring at a Vegas-bound bachelorette party in slutty club gear, trying not to vomit.